Free Funny Text Messages

List of Jokes and Funny Texts

Everybody likes to have a laugh, and what better way to amuse someone than by finding free funny text messages to send to them. Funny SMS jokes could be just what you need to brighten up a boring day at school or work for yourself, or even to send to somebody else that needs cheering up. It is true to say that everybody’s sense of humor is different but here we have tried to provide a mixture of funny SMS messages to cater for all tastes. There are also some rude text jokes and funny birthday text messages on the page as well, which we are sure will have you in stitches.

If you like the funny texts that we have provided on this page then why not type them into your cell phone and send them on to your friends, or family and share the amusement? Be the first to see and share these jokes and you can even pass them off as your own!

You can’t beat a funny text message and these are much better than the sites that will charge you for them, only to provide you with something starting ‘why did the chicken cross the road?’! Here we don’t want your money nor do we ask you to sign up, it is simply a page providing you with free funny text messages.

Ok, so some of these can come across as rude text messages and may also seem a bit crude or offensive but they are just joke messages and nothing personal is meant by any of them, we do not take responsibility because we did not make them up!

Of course we all get people sending us round funny SMS messages every now and then but most of them are pretty dull and there is nothing worse than those annoying ‘please pass on’ chain text messages, even if they are supposed to be funny chain text messages, most of the time there is nothing funny about them at all. Here is a chance to start sending jokes that really will make people laugh!

Below we have categorized a load of free funny text messages for you, so please take a read through and enjoy!

I want to send free funny text messages but I have no credit

Have you found a funny text on this page that you want to send to people, but you have no call time or credit? Well there are various simple solutions to get around this problem. You can send text messages for free online, via free texting websites, and even through your email, or instant messenger accounts. Check out the free guides that we have provided in the menu on the left hand side of the page. Sending free funny text messages to people really is free, no catch!

Funny text jokes

Woman laughing at a funny text message

Do you know somebody that is having a bad day, just needs cheering up in general, or do you want a joke or two to tell your friends at the bar on a Friday night? Here are a range of quick and funny text jokes that you can type into your cell phone and send to all of your friends, or just save so that you can use them as and when you want!

We are always looking to add more SMS jokes to the site so please check back in the future for our updates to the page.

  • A man stopped me in the street today and asked me the quickest way to a hospital, so I pushed him under a bus!
  • Stephen Hawking was admitted to hospital last night after going on a date, he now has a fractured skull, a broken arm and severed cuts and bruising…. Apparently she stood him up!
  • A man was run over by a lorry outside of my house this morning, I thought ‘sh!t, that could have been me’ but then I can’t drive a lorry….
  • Just been sacked from my job at the liquor store, a Mexican came in and asked me what the best port is? So I said ‘Long Beach now f*ck off home’!
  • Proof that men have better friends that women: One night a woman didn’t come home. Next morning she told her husband she’d slept over at a friends house. The husband calls her 10 best friends and none of them know anything about it. The husband didn’t come home the following night and the next morning and says that he had stayed over a friend’s house. The wife calls his 10 best friends. Eight confirm that he slept over and two said he was still there!
  • It is estimated that over 6 million people in the world will die due to global warming but on a more serious note my snowman is melting!
  • My wife has just gone to casualty with two black eyes and a broken jaw…. it would seem we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio!
  • A Mexican is in an old people’s retirement home and his relatives come to visit him to see that he is ok. ‘Im fine he says, they treat me well and with respect . Tom over there was a doctor and they still call him doctor Tom, Bill over here was a pilot and they still call him captain Bill and even though I haven’t had sex for 20 years they still call me the f’in Mexican’.
  • Is it too soon to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she has heard from Patrick Swayze?
  • A met a blind man at the ATM the other day and he asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over!
  • The police are looking for a psychotic murderer, I rang them but apparent it’s not a job!
  • Some woman stopped me in the street today and started telling me a joke that had all the ingredients to be a good one, starving kids, death, tears and suffering but I didn’t understand the punch line…. something about $2 a month…..
  • Want to know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.
  • What is the difference between women and magnets ? Magnets have a positive side
  • Why is it hard to play the card game ‘Uno’ with a group of Mexicans? Because they all take the green cards.
  • What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.
  • My girlfriend has found out that I’ve been shagging the local barmaid. Also the barmaid has found out that I’ve got a girlfriend. I just hope that none of this gets back to my wife.
  • I’ve been given two weeks to live. The wife’s gone away for a fortnight.
  • My bank lets me send a text message and it’ll text back with my balance. It’s a cool feature but I didn’t think the ‘LOL’ was necessary.

We hope that you have found these SMS jokes amusing, and that you will go ahead and share them with your friends. Why not tweet about them, or copy them onto your facebook status?

Very funny sms jokes

Here are another set of free jokes for you, that we think would make very funny SMS messages!

  • What do you call 199 white guys chasing one black guy around the world? The PGA tour!
  • Two unemployed Irishmen see a sign in a police station window ‘TWO ENGLISHMEN WANTED FOR RAPE’ Paddy says ‘ its so unfair Englishmen get all the good jobs’.
  • The US secret service are having a nightmare training the new president against terror attacks, every time they shout ‘GET DOWN’ he starts dancing!
  • Two men are wandering round a supermarket looking down each isle when they bump into each other, the first man says ‘sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going, I have lost my wife and I am trying to find her’, the second man replies ‘me too, what does yours look like?’. The first man then says ‘she is five foot 5 blonde, skinny big breasts, tanned, what about yours?’. The second man then says ‘forget mine let’s just look for yours’!
  • Wacko Jacko is not going to be buried or cremated but instead recycled into shopping bags so he can remain white, plastic and dangerous to kids!
  • England are to change their shirts for their next game. The three lions will be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst period they have ever had!
  • I was working late at the phone store last night when I received this text from my daughter: ‘Dad,thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphone. Whenyougethomepleasegivemeanalternative.’ And as I eagerly rushed home, I couldn’t help but wonder… What the hell does ‘ternative’ mean?

If you don’t want to use up all of your phone credit, or increase your phone bill by sending these very funny SMS jokes around, then why not check out our free text messaging online page that will tell you how you can send texts at no cost using your email account.

Rude text jokes

In this section we have provided a list of rude text jokes that can easily be put into a text message, and passed around your friends. Be careful who you send these to though as they may cause offense! Of course most people like joke texts but it is wise to remember that not everybody’s idea of funny is the same!

  • What’s the difference between a baseball and a ginger vagina? If you try really hard you can eat a baseball!
  • The average bloke thinks about sex once every six tits.
  • A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, ‘I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’ The woman looked puzzled. ‘Why talk to me?’ she asked. ‘Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.’
  • Being a very religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; ‘I hope the p*rn channel in my room is disabled.’
    ‘No,’ she said, ‘It’s regular p*rn, you sick b@stard!!’
  • A boy comes home from third grade and says to his mum ‘Ive got the biggest dick in my year is it because I am black?’ the mother replies ‘no it’s because you are 19 years old and a retard now stop dribbling and eat your spaghetti’.
  • I completely agree with sex before marriage. How else would I know that my brother’s future wife is good enough for him?
  • I met a girl in the park and asked her, ‘Do you like movies?’, ‘Not really,’ she huffed. ‘That’s a shame’, I said, ‘Because you’re about to experience strong language, extreme violence and scenes of a sexual nature.’
  • Fat Winston finds an old lamp and after giving it a polish a genie appears! He gives Winston 3 wishes. ‘Id like to be slim, white and surrounded by pussy’ says Winston. There was a puff of smoke and Winston turned into a tampon! Be careful watched you wish for there are always strings attached!
  • Why are parking spaces like girls’ panties? If you get there late all the good ones are taken so you wait until nobody is looking and stick it in the disabled one!
  • What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine.
  • What did the elephant say to the naked man? That’s cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

Rude SMS jokes are best kept between friends. it may not be the best idea to send it to the girl you have just started dating, just in case you don’t have the same sense of humor!

Funny birthday messages

It isn’t particularly imaginative to send somebody a plain old text saying ‘happy birthday’, so why not be original and show that you have put some thought into it by sending them a funny birthday message instead? Below we have a lost of amusing birthday messages that you can use to make somebody laugh on their special day.

  • Forget about the past, you can’t change it.
    Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.
    Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
  • What goes up and never comes down? Your age
  • What was the average age of a cave man? Stone Age!
  • The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
  • Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.
  • An elderly couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, ‘I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.’
    Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.
    She says, ‘Why didn’t you get me a birthday present?’
    He replies, ‘Well, you didn’t use what I got you last year!’

We hope that this list of funny birthday messages is going to come in useful to you, if you can’t see someone on their birthday to wish them happy returns then a funny text will always be appreciated.

Really funny text jokes

If the free funny text messages that on this page so far have not really made you laugh yet then don’t give up, as we have plenty more funny text jokes in this next section. As the famous American author Mark Twain once said, “the human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter’, so spread some of this yourself by making the most of all of the text message jokes that we have on offer below. In addition to this page we have another page crammed full of funny SMS messages, so there really is plenty to choose from!

  • A Virginia couple were divorced today. For the sake of the the family, they are still going to remain brother and sister!
  • I was shagging this chick I met over her kitchen table when we both heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it but you really don’t get offers like that every day.
  • My wife just sent me a text message that said, “Just finished my Weight Watchers class, lost 4lbs, can you pick me up?” I replied, “Probably not, lose another 20lbs and I might be able to”
  • I got naked in the shower earlier on today and for some reason the cops wanted a word with me, one of the officers said, “you can’t take your clothes off just because it’s started to rain sir”.
  • It is never polite to lean over to the next table at a restaurant and ask, “Are you finished with that?”. Especially to a guy who is in the middle of breaking up with his girlfriend!
  • I saw a chameleon today on my walk to work. So I figure it is safe to say that it was a pretty crap chameleon.
  • I have just received a visit from the cops who said, “Do you have a Thai wife and a Porsche?”, to which I replied, “Yes.”. They then said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, she’s had a serious accident.” I said, “You must be kidding me, I only bought it a few months ago.” The officer said, “Are you not concerned about your wife?” I said replied, “I was talking about my wife.”

We really hope that these really funny text jokes have been to your taste, and that you are going to be typing them into your cell phone to send around to your friends. Please keep checking back as we are constantly updating our site with new material to share with you all.

More information

Thank you for reading our page offering free funny text messages to send around to the people that you know. We trust that you have found something that tickles you, and that you can make somebody else laugh today with that too. We will be adding more funny text jokes in the future, so be sure to come back and check our pages out every once in a while for new SMS jokes.

As well as this great page on text jokes we also have another page for you with many more jokes on that can be made into text messages, so while you are online please take the time to check out our free funny SMS page.

There is much more to our site than just jokes, funny birthday messages and rude text jokes, so please feel free to look around at the various other text messaging subjects that we have on offer, such as romantic text messages and a guide to how you can read deleted text messages. The latter may come in handy if you have deleted any jokes you had saved in the past!